Do I really love him?

When I first met you I didn't know that I would fall for you , that I would come to like you. It wasn't my intention to like you because first of all I have my preference in guys which is the following if you must know: 

He must be tall, handsome, smart, has fair complexion, has beautiful eyes, athletic, plays instrument especially piano and violin, sweet in his own way, sensitive, classy, and of course he must be rich.

But now to think of it you have some of the things I like most about guys, you play an instrument, you are sweet and sensitive. I don't really know why I fell for you. Maybe my friends are right I'm not really in love with you I was just overwhelmed by the whole idea. But the more days I spend with you the more I think that I'm really falling but am I? I don't really know why I fell for you maybe I was just overwhelmed by you and that's all. If I am right if I'm really in love with you I could say thousands of reasons why but I don't really have much to say, I don't have anything to say. But if it's not love then why do I get hurt? Why is it so painful? Why is the thought of losing you makes me wanna cry? Why can't I forget you? Why can't I force myself to the perfect match for me? Why can't my mind stop thinking of you even just for once? Why did I cry so hard that day? Why must I do silly things just to make you notice me more? Why can't I move on? Why do I always smile when I see you? Why do I support you all the way? Why do I get jealous of the girls you're closed with? Why does my heart can't stop from beating fast whenever I see you or whenever you do something? Why am I choosing you instead of the perfect match for me? Why do I care? Why am I always happy whenever I talk to you? Why am I happy seeing you fulfill your dreams? Your goals? Why?

I though I was really in love with you but now I think I was in love with the idea. And maybe this is good because if I'm not in love with you then I can move on right? I can live my life and be happy. But how can I be happy if you're not there?  It hurts but I think I have to accept the fact that 

I don't love you.

 

one day with him

oh yes. i spent a day with him! it was sunny and we were just walking around the campus ground. we were not talking but our hands were intertwined and it feels like we were the only people in the world. we ate ice creams and then we were just talking about i don't know but i was laughing so was he. the day was almost over and he was walking me home, we stopped at the door and he just looked at my eyes and told me "i love you." before i could tell him how i feel... i woke up! it was just a dream i knew it, it was too good to be true but it was the best dream ever. it may not be real but at least in my dreams he's beside me and no lies just pure happiness. how i wish reality could be good as a dream.

a new beginning

I'm now 17 but before I turned 17 last October 10, 2011, I was just a 16 year old girl who fell for a struggling musician, he's not really a musician but he plays all sorts of instrument but he cannot sing! I just want to call him a musician because for me he puts rhythm into my life. (whoa) Anyway it was just a crush and I feel happy whenever I see him but it all changed, the course of our lives changed from that fated day. I got to know him personally not by stalking his profile but personally I got to ask questions and I got to tease him about everything that I find very cute about him, I was contented with everything that time, I didn't feel bored, I'm fine with not doing anything except from talking to him. I was really in love with him that I think made me very vulnerable. And then 4 days after my birthday I woke up, that day I cried a lot more that I expected. I realized that I was hurting myself and also him because we were never meant to be in the first place but I didn't care about that because I love him too much that I was pushing something that won't ever work. So I decided to let him go and just move on, it was a hard decision because I don't know what to do with my life without him there. 
When I decided to let him go, I immediately told him about it, I thought it would drift us apart but the truth is it made us even more closer and it made it harder to let go. The days quickly passed and I need to let him go. The day before our last meeting I was hesitating if I should let go I mean I was happy and so was he but my I had to right? 

I finally let him go. It was hard yes but with my friends help I did, yes I haven't really moved on but I'm in the process now. All I know is that I want a new beginning, a beginning where it's peaceful and calm.

Loving you=deceiving you

I can always remember the first time I saw you,

I was trying to forget someone very special to me,

because we were never meant to be with each other.

I guess I was finding someone to heal my heart.

Yes, I don't like you that much because of him,

but whenever I see you my heart would beat fast.

I have not yet developed my feelings for you,

not until that very special day.

And fate came in to bind us together.

I was given a chance of a lifetime,

a chance to get to know you better.

A chance that I won't ever give up.

I have grown to love you more and more each day,

and I can see that you cares for me day by day.

When I am with you I can't be my real self,

it hurts trying to be someone else in front of you.

Yes you are the right guy in the right time,

but I am the right girl in the wrong time.

I need to let you go this time and try to be myself.

And maybe the next time we meet, I can be myself.

love can be fatal

Do you ever feel like dying because you failed in love? I sometimes get this feeling when the one I love doesn't love me back, I feel like my heart died and I once again entered the world of fantasies where I always think that he loves me too when the truth is I'm just telling myself that. There is a saying "Love can be fatal", I don't really get it because how can love be that fatal right? Because fatal means deadly. Is love deadly? I think not because when we love we feel happiness like the world are ours but then I realized love can really be fatal, it can be literal or it's just a metaphor but let's go first to the metaphor, isn't it that when we love it's not always a requited love? It may be an unrequited love,  when the love is one-sided we feel sad because we keep giving but we never get it back in return so it's like we died with our hearts. Or when we experience the two-sided love at first we feel happy because the love we gave returned sometimes unconditionally, but as time goes by the love is disappearing and it became an unrequited love and that is the moment we feel like dying. Dying because the love we cherished for a long time just disappeared. 

Let's go to the literal meaning of love can be fatal, I heard a story, a wonderful yet tear-jerking story about two lovers. There was this college girl who looked like a child, not just the looks but she really is a child because her hormones haven't been develop yet, she met a guy who she fell in love with and the guy also fell for her. As time goes the girl always tell the guy that someday when she becomes an adult he will love her more. Then she disappeared, the guy desperately looked for her but no sign until two years she wrote a letter saying she's in America and living her life as an photographer, and the guy decided to go to America to see her he was too late the girl died, the girl's best friend explained that the girl was trying to be an adult for him but as she tries to be an adult the rate of the incurable disease she inherited from her mother will progress but still for the guy she loves she became an adult even when she knows that she will die becoming one. The guy blamed himself because the girl died because she wanted him to love her more but the best friend explained to him that it is not his fault because the girl really wanted to become an adult. So that's my example in the literal meaning of love can be fatal, she died because she wanted the guy to love her more even though it will risk her life. But she risked  it for love. But there are many more examples of the literal meaning of this like when you got your heart broken you tend to be suicidal because you think that there is no purpose of life. 

But you are wrong there are still many purpose of life, you just don't live for love, you live for yourself. When you got your heart broken don't think that you want to die because as they say "There are many fish in the sea." so maybe your true love is still there seeking for you so why die just for one love that didn't work when you haven't look properly, maybe your true love is just beside you, just one classroom apart, when you look properly you'll see him. And don't you believe in destiny? Me, I sometimes don't believe in destiny because I believe that I make my own destiny. 

Heavenly Forest 

But when I got to know my special someone, I know that I will never be coming back to the world of fantasies because he is there, the prince I have  been looking for, the prince who will save me from the loneliness I'm feeling, the prince who will come when I shout his name, the prince who will never let go of me, a fragile princess. When I met him I know that I will never feel like dying because he will always tell me that I'm worth living and loving for. So to all of you reading this essay, look carefully and there you will find your one true love who will love you forever and never letting you feel that love can be fatal and when you find your one true love make sure you will never let him/her go because you'll regret it. So live life to the fullest!

Finding

Hi, I'm Mary Rose S. De Leon, a 17 year old girl living a very normal college life well not so normal at first it was very normal I think. But I met my friends who I can tell you are my "true friends" and I met guys whom shall not be named. I think I made a blog because I want to express my feelings, I want to shout it but I can't so why not use the web to express it right?
Everyone who knows me say that my life is perfect that I'm living the perfect life, but I guess they don't really know the real me. Because although I have things other people don't I lack something and until now I don't know what it is.
So here I am blogging I hope that I can find it soon!